Think back, way back, to the very first time you ever encountered the dreaded splashback.
A harmless plop followed by the disturbing feeling of lukewarm water on your butt cheeks. Like the Devil himself threw a little cup of his spit on your perineum (a.k.a. your taint). Shudder. But, hey, shit happens. Nothing you can do about it. Or is there?
Enter the humble bidet. Due to unprecedented toilet tissue shortages brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic, toilet paper has become a hot commodity – but where a handful of bleached paper has failed us all in these trying times, a new hero has emerged to set things right down under.
What is a bidet?
A bidet is a plumbing fixture that may be either a standalone receptacle or built into a toilet. It’s designed to spray a clean jet of water (sometimes warm or cold water) onto your rear end and genitalia after using the bathroom, washing away any bodily fluids or excrement and the bacteria that come with them, for enhanced personal hygiene.
The word bidet derives from the French word for “pony,” hinting at the way one straddles the fixture to get clean. But don’t let that whimsical origin mislead you; bidets are a serious game-changer for personal care and comfort.
Some bidets look more like a toilet-height sink or basin, designed to be filled with water that you can sit in. Most feature a sprayer nozzle that can be angled to your preference for an accurately-directed stream of water.
If you’ve ever stayed in a fancy hotel or spent some time traveling in Europe or Asia, you might have come across a bidet when touring the restrooms. They’re less popular in North America and the United States – we’ve been longtime TP loyalists – but they’ve recently started to pop up more frequently in conversation thanks to brands like TUSHY and Bio Bidet that are making the devices more affordable and accessible.
Here are the top 10 ways in which a bidet could change your life for the better
It’s good for your vaginal health.
Hopefully, it’s common knowledge that vaginas are wonderfully adept at keeping themselves in balance without the aid of douches or soaps (read: please don’t douche!). A bidet is like a little pressure wash for your vaginal lips, no soap required.
Your period is about to get a lot less messy.
That squishy feeling between your labia when period blood has pooled can be remedied far more effectively when using a bidet. One quick turn of a knob can banish the results of a hard sneeze in seconds.
An anus so clean you can eat off it.
Instead of dragging paper across some of your most high priority body parts when you use the bathroom, you could be spraying pristine, warm water on them instead. Great for sensitive skin and those suffering from hemorrhoids, a bidet provides a gentle water pressure cleanse that is both refreshing and soothing. This approach minimizes irritation, making it not just a luxury but a necessity for many.
Better than a showerhead because you can mount it.
In answer to the obvious question “Can I aim the adjustable-pressure water spray of a bidet at my clitoris while perched on the toilet like a champion equestrian riding a beautiful, white stallion into orgasmic bliss?” YES. Oh, yes. And you definitely should. We love a multi-purpose tool.
Save the earth one squat at a time.
Using a bidet can cut down drastically on your household’s use of toilet paper, and by extension, lessen your carbon footprint. Here’s to planet-friendly bathroom habits (and sustainable period products, while we’re at it).
Impromptu enemas.
Sometimes it’s a big meal. Sometimes it’s the wrong meal. Whatever reason you have tummy issues, the strong, steady stream of a bidet can help clear things right up, and fast. Prepare your anus for heretofore unknown luxury!
Good for all.
People with penises and testicles are in no way to be left out of the glorious bidet life. Balls will love being cradled in the brisk embrace of a good bidet session.
A cleaner bowl and a cleaner you.
A bidet waters down any menstrual blood (or anything else) so your toilet bowl stays cleaner for longer. Plus, you’re way less likely to end up with secretions on your hands that you don’t want on your hands.
Bells and whistles.
Ever felt warm air rushing over your bottom, like an angel blowing on your butthole from a tiny little cloud inside your toilet? Ever had your anus massaged gently with jets of warm, clean water while soothing music plays? There are bidet seats that do these things, and more, at many varying prices. Which brings us to…
Fun at every price tag.
There are many types of bidets, but essentially, you can get a bidet toilet seat (these are bidet attachments that go on your existing toilet, not standalone bidets so they won’t take any floor space in the bathroom) for around $30, $100+, or even $1,700 (that last one has a pulsating feature, water temperature control and even warm air to get your bits dry, for “maximum comfort,” I’m just saying.) The more spendy, the more cleanse-y fun – but even your basic model will get your backside’s hygiene in excellent shape with the touch of a lever.
How to use a bidet properly for cleaning?
Utilizing a bidet for optimal cleanliness involves a few simple steps. First, adjust the water temperature to your preference – warm water can be soothing. Next, position yourself comfortably on the bidet seat and ensure proper aim of the water stream towards the intended area. Allow the water to cleanse thoroughly, using gentle pressure as needed. You can then pat dry with toilet paper or utilize the air-drying feature if available. Remember, each bidet may have unique functions, so familiarize yourself with its settings for a personalized cleaning experience. Enjoy the luxurious and hygienic benefits of bidet usage!
Bidet vs. Toilet Paper: Why do some people prefer toilet paper over bidets?
Despite the myriad benefits of bidets, some individuals remain loyal to toilet paper for various reasons. For many, it’s a matter of habit; they’ve grown accustomed to traditional cleaning methods from a young age. Others may find the tactile experience of toilet paper more familiar and comforting, associating it with a quick and straightforward process. Cultural norms play a significant role as well; in regions where bidets are not common, using toilet paper is simply the default choice. Additionally, concerns about water usage or personal hygiene can deter some from embracing bidet technology.
What are the steps to install a bidet in a home bathroom?
Installing a bidet in your home bathroom can seem daunting, but with the right product and steps, it becomes an achievable DIY project. Start by gathering your tools: a wrench, screwdriver, and Teflon tape. First, turn off the water supply to the toilet and flush to empty the tank. Disconnect the water supply line from the toilet tank and install a bidet T-adapter in its place. This adapter will allow you to connect both the toilet and the bidet to the same water source. Next, attach the bidet seat or standalone unit according to the manufacturer’s instructions. If it’s a seat attachment, simply slide it onto your existing toilet bowl; for a standalone unit, you may need additional plumbing adjustments.
