Think back, way back, to the very first time you ever encountered the dreaded splashback.
A harmless plop followed by the disturbing feeling of lukewarm water on your butt cheeks. Like the Devil himself threw a little cup of his spit on your perineum (a.k.a. your taint). Shudder. But, hey, shit happens. Nothing you can do about it. Or is there?
Enter the humble bidet. Due to unprecedented toilet tissue shortages brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic, toilet paper has become a hot commodity – but where a handful of bleached paper has failed us all in these trying times, a new hero has emerged to set things right down under.
What’s a bidet?
A bidet is a plumbing fixture that may be either a standalone receptacle or built into a toilet. It’s designed to spray clean water (sometimes cold, sometimes warm or cold) onto your rear end and genitalia after using the bathroom, washing away any bodily fluids or excrement and the bacteria that come with them.
Some bidets look more like a toilet-height sink or basin, designed to be filled with water that you can sit in. Most feature a sprayer nozzle that can be angled to your preference for an accurately-directed stream of water.
If you’ve ever stayed in a fancy hotel or spent some time traveling in Europe or Asia, you might have come across a bidet before. They’re less popular in the United States – we’ve been longtime TP loyalists – but they’ve recently started to pop up more frequently in conversation thanks to brands like TUSHY and Bio Bidet that are making the devices more affordable and accessible.
Here are the top 10 ways in which a bidet could change your life for the better
It’s good for your vaginal health. Hopefully, it’s common knowledge that vaginas are wonderfully adept at keeping themselves in balance without the aid of douches or soaps (read: please don’t douche!). A bidet is like a little pressure wash for your vaginal lips, no soap required.
Your period is about to get a lot less messy. That squishy feeling between your labia when period blood has pooled can be remedied far more effectively when using a bidet. One quick turn of a knob can banish the results of a hard sneeze in seconds.
An anus so clean you can eat off it. Instead of dragging paper across some of your most high priority body parts when you use the bathroom, you could be spraying pristine, warm water on them instead.
Better than a showerhead because you can mount it. In answer to the obvious question “Can I aim the adjustable pressurized stream of a bidet at my clitoris while perched on the toilet like a champion equestrian riding a beautiful, white stallion into orgasmic bliss?” YES. Oh, yes. And you definitely should. We love a multi-purpose tool.
Save the earth one squat at a time. Using a bidet can cut down drastically on your household’s use of toilet paper, and by extension, lessen your carbon footprint. Here’s to planet-friendly bathroom habits (and sustainable period products, while we’re at it).
Impromptu enemas. Sometimes it’s a big meal. Sometimes it’s the wrong meal. Whatever reason you have tummy issues, the strong, steady stream of a bidet can help clear things right up, and fast. Prepare your anus for heretofore unknown luxury!
Good for all. People with penises and testicles are in no way to be left out of the glorious bidet life. Balls will love being cradled in the brisk embrace of a good bidet session.
A cleaner bowl and a cleaner you. A bidet waters down any menstrual blood (or anything else) so your toilet bowl stays cleaner for longer. Plus, you’re way less likely to end up with secretions on your hands that you don’t want on your hands.
Bells and whistles. Ever felt heated air rushing over your bottom, like an angel blowing on your butthole from a tiny little cloud inside your toilet? Ever had your anus massaged gently with jets of warm, clean water while soothing music plays? There are bidets that do these things, and more, at many varying prices. Which brings us to…
Fun at every price tag. You can get one for around $30, $100+, or even $1,700 (that last one has a pulsating feature for “maximum comfort,” I’m just saying.) The more spendy, the more cleanse-y fun – but even your basic model will get your behind in excellent shape.